I woke up this morning and I heard the news. I know the pain of a heartbreak. I don't have answers and neither do you, I know the pain of a heartbreak. I highly doubt that when Ben Rector wrote this song he was like yup Fat Barbie is definitely going to find a way to apply this song in her every day life. Well Ben, I salute you because this song has been applied to many times in my life. Skinny Bitch is the one who introduced me to this song and it has been a personal favorite ever since. Now this is not going to be a funny post so if that is what you were hoping for you may as well stop reading because this won't be funny. So y'all maybe wondering what this post is about and I am going to give it to you straight my Aunt died( passed away however the hell you want to say it) on Tuesday. I did not find out until Saturday. My mother not wanting to have me freak out right after surgery decided to keep this burden to herself. After telling my sister on Friday my mother decided to wait. However my sister being the wise ole girl she is told my mom that it was better for me to hear it and be able to deal with it. So now that I've gotten the short version out of the way I will get to the longer more detailed version. I woke up this morning and I heard the news.Well it wasn't really morning it was afternoon but let's go with the Ben Rector lyrics. I got a phone call from my mom at 3:05 pm. I was semi annoyed because I was watching Harry Potter(ironically, she was the one who introduced me to the books and took me to see every single movie) but I paused it to answer the phone. I say hello and instantly knew something was wrong. My mom said I needed to be sitting down and that Skinny Bitch had told(commanded whatever) my mom that she had to call and tell me something. So I am freaking out and asked if the beloved family Golden Retriever died. My mom said no it was not Avery, Skinny Bitch or my father that she was calling about. I by this point am wound up and nearly hysterical and so I yell at my mom to spit it out. So my mom says that my Aunt Lynn has died in Gulf Shores. I told her that it wasn't a very funny joke and my mom told me that in no way shape or form was this a joke. This lead to a complete breakdown complete with hyper ventilating ( even typing this I am choking up but it has to be done) I know the pain of a heartbreak. I don't have answers and neither do you. My mom couldn't tell me exactly what happened only that it appeared to be an accident. It was one of the most surreal experiences. It felt like we had just talked and I know there was a voicemail on my phone from her detailing her exciting beach trip. She sounded so happy and the last thing she said was i love you. And that sent me over board. That she had left me a voicemail literally the day before her accident just blew my mind. I know the pain of a heartbreak. My Aunt Lynn was 58.( She would kill me if she knew I had told you) She didn't act like it. She was young at heart. She loved Irish/Scottish things, gardening, doling out advice, cooking, baking, Harry Potter, her students (she was a substitute teacher at a K-8 school back home in addition to being a lawyer),life and most importantly George Cloony. She knew my favorite color was ( and still is purple). So every 3 or 4 months I would get this small package filled to the brim with purple office supplies. I mean purple high lights, pins, post it notes, index cards. Anything that could be purple as an office supply was in my package. One time I asked her why and she said "Babycakes, I want you to always stand out and who else besides you MB would have purple office supplies?". It is the little things I guess that we remember the most. My aunt was not without her faults and I was not the best niece I should have been. But as my sister told me you can't let guilt eat you up. My mom said my Aunt Lynn knew I had been busy and she understood and still loved me. There were times I just didn't want to see her because I felt she nagged me. It was only later that i realized she did it because she loved me and she had to impart her wisdom on me so i could always have a little piece of her with me forever. And I have to say I have retained a whole lot of what she taught me. When I was little and even just this past Christmas, she would always say " Now as Santa's lawyer, I have to advise you to be on your best behavior. Negotiating off the naughty list is not easy babycakes." I always imagined that she would be around to say that to my kids because you know the adults you love are suppose to around forever. She and she alone were allowed to call me MB( it stands for my first and middle initials) There were always some things that I could never ever tell my mother about but I would tell her because instead of the lecture I knew I'd probably get at the hands of my mother she would just laugh and tell me "Well babycakes, that was not your best move" When it looked like my mom may be snowed in for my surgery she volunteered to come and a little part of me can't help but think if she had been with me, she would still be here. That is the guilt i will carry for the rest of my life. Nothing anyone can say will ever lift that burden. I hate myself for not being the best niece I could be. I forgot to call or I would be impatient but now looking back I realize that I should have cherished those moments because you never know when you wont be able to pick up the phone and call. It kills me that never again will she pick up the phone or email me about some book she read and thought that I needed to read. Never again will we be able to go the New Orleans Museum of Art and then Cafe Degas. Never again around Christmas will I hear " Now as Santa's lawyer". It still doesn't quite seem real. And I know the pain and hurt and anger will fade but those feelings will always be lying there exposed sort of like a nerve. I never ever thought that my Aunt Lynn wouldn't be at my wedding or get to hold my babies and play with them like she did with me as a little girl. I never thought that she wouldn't be the one to introduce Harry Potter to my kids or tell them all about being Santa's lawyer. Instead I will be the one regaling my kids with stories of their great Aunt Lynn who was Santa's lawyer, who introduced me to Harry Potter and the love of Celtic culture. It will be me not her who gets to tell stories to my kids about the crazy things she did while at the University of Virginia ( she played in the heating pipes apparently that's a huge no no) And it will be me that will have to explain to my kids the wonder that can be found in baking the perfect chocolate cake or the wonder in a shrubby plant that blooms into a gorgeous flower.Never again will I get a random package full of purple office supplies. The most important thing though is she taught all that to me and I will always have a piece of my aunt with me no matter where I go. I will also always carry her love with me and I hope she knows just how much I loved her. I woke up this morning and I heard the news. I know the pain of a heartbreak. I don't have answers and neither do you, I know the pain of a heartbreak.
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