When a heart breaks...Sorry Ben Rector I had to steal your song title.

I woke up this morning and I heard the news. I know the pain of a heartbreak. I don't have answers and neither do you, I know the pain of a heartbreak. I highly doubt that when Ben Rector wrote this song he was like yup Fat Barbie is definitely going to find a way to apply this song in her every day life. Well Ben, I salute you because this song has been applied to many times in my life. Skinny Bitch is the one who introduced me to this song and it has been a personal favorite ever since. Now this is not going to be a funny post so if that is what you were hoping for you may as well stop reading because this won't be funny. So y'all maybe wondering what this post is about and I am going to give it to you straight my Aunt died( passed away however the hell you want to say it) on Tuesday. I did not find out until Saturday. My mother not wanting to have me freak out right after surgery decided to keep this burden to herself. After telling my sister on Friday my mother decided to wait. However my sister being the wise ole girl she is told my mom that it was better for me to hear it and be able to deal with it. So now that I've gotten the short version out of the way I will get to the longer more detailed version. I woke up this morning and I heard the news.Well it wasn't really morning it was afternoon but let's go with the Ben Rector lyrics. I got a phone call from my mom at 3:05 pm. I was semi annoyed because I was watching Harry Potter(ironically, she was the one who introduced me to the books and took me to see every single movie) but I paused it to answer the phone. I say hello and instantly knew something was wrong. My mom said I needed to be sitting down and that Skinny Bitch had told(commanded whatever) my mom that she had to call and tell me something. So I am freaking out and asked if the beloved family Golden Retriever died. My mom said no it was not Avery, Skinny Bitch or my father that she was calling about. I by this point am wound up and nearly hysterical and so I yell at my mom to spit it out. So my mom says that my Aunt Lynn has died in Gulf Shores. I told her that it wasn't a very funny joke and my mom told me that in no way shape or form was this a joke. This lead to a complete breakdown complete with hyper ventilating ( even typing this I am choking up but it has to be done) I know the pain of a heartbreak. I don't have answers and neither do you. My mom couldn't tell me exactly what happened only that it appeared to be an accident. It was one of the most surreal experiences. It felt like we had just talked and I know there was a voicemail on my phone from her detailing her exciting beach trip. She sounded so happy and the last thing she said was i love you. And that sent me over board. That she had left me a voicemail literally the day before her accident just blew my mind. I know the pain of a heartbreak. My Aunt Lynn was 58.( She would kill me if she knew I had told you) She didn't act like it. She was young at heart.  She loved Irish/Scottish things, gardening, doling out advice, cooking, baking, Harry Potter, her students (she was a substitute teacher at a K-8 school back home in addition to being a lawyer),life and most importantly George Cloony. She knew my favorite color was ( and still is purple). So every 3 or 4 months I would get this small package filled to the brim with purple office supplies. I mean purple high lights, pins, post it notes, index cards. Anything that could be purple as an office supply was in my package. One time I asked her why and she said "Babycakes, I want you to always stand out and who else besides you MB would have purple office supplies?". It is the little things I guess that we remember the most. My aunt was not without her faults and I was not the best niece I should have been. But as my sister told me you can't let guilt eat you up. My mom said my Aunt Lynn knew I had been busy and she understood and still loved me. There were times I just didn't want to see her because I felt she nagged me. It was only later that i realized she did it because she loved me and she had to impart her wisdom on me so i could always have a little piece of her with me forever. And I have to say I have retained a whole lot of what she taught me. When I was little and even just this past Christmas, she would always say " Now as Santa's lawyer, I have to advise you to be on your best behavior. Negotiating off the naughty list is not easy babycakes." I always imagined that she would be around to say that to my kids because you know the adults you love are suppose to around forever. She and she alone were allowed to call me MB( it stands for my first and middle initials) There were always some things that I could never ever tell my mother about but I would tell her because instead of the lecture I knew I'd probably get at the hands of my mother she would just laugh and tell me "Well babycakes, that was not your best move" When it looked like my mom may be snowed in for my surgery she volunteered to come and a little part of me can't help but think if she had been with me, she would still be here. That is the guilt i will carry for the rest of my life. Nothing anyone can say will ever lift that burden. I hate myself for not being the best niece I could be. I forgot to call or I would be impatient but now looking back I realize that I should have cherished those moments because you never know when you wont be able to pick up the phone and call. It kills me that never again will she pick up the phone or email me about some book she read and thought that I needed to read. Never again will we be able to go the New Orleans Museum of Art and then Cafe Degas. Never again around Christmas will I hear " Now as Santa's lawyer". It still doesn't quite seem real. And I know the pain and hurt and anger will fade but those feelings will always be lying there exposed sort of like a nerve. I never ever thought that my Aunt Lynn wouldn't be at my wedding or get to hold my babies and play with them like she did with me as a little girl. I never thought that she wouldn't be the one to introduce Harry Potter to my kids or tell them all about being Santa's lawyer. Instead I will be the one regaling my kids with stories of their great Aunt Lynn who was Santa's lawyer, who introduced me to Harry Potter and the love of Celtic culture. It will be me not her who gets to tell stories to my kids about the crazy things she did while at the University of Virginia ( she played in the heating pipes apparently that's a huge no no) And it will be me that will have to explain to my kids the wonder that can be found in baking the perfect chocolate cake or the wonder in a shrubby plant that blooms into a gorgeous flower.Never again will I get a random package full of purple office supplies. The most important thing though is she taught all that to me and I will always have a piece of my aunt with me no matter where I go. I will also always carry her love with me and I hope she knows just how much I loved her. I woke up this morning and I heard the news. I know the pain of a heartbreak. I don't have answers and neither do you, I know the pain of a heartbreak.

It is Valentine's Day WOOHOO

So today is every couple's favorite day and every single's worst nightmare. Yup! that's right it is St. Valentine's Day...Can i get a HEYYYY for the one and only adorable fat baby with wings and a bow and arrow CUPID! Unfortunately for me Cupid missed me this year. So I am sitting with my five boyfriends ( Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Hawkeye, Loki...I am watching the Avengers sue me) writing to y'all. Now I don't actively dislike V-Day but I am not overly in love with it. There are couples for know when to love each other and when to calm down then there are the couples that must have physical contact with each other at all times and they are LOOOOVVVEEE and they don't care who knows it. So my single self really prefers the first kind of couple the low-key awesome couple. It is the second kind of couple who really make Fat Barbie want to strangle Cupid and then the couple with Cupid's bow string. This is all important for the story that is coming up. My little cousin also attends the same university as I do so I bought her a cookie to the Beta Beta Delta House ( did I mention she is a member of the same sorority I was) ANd as I am leaving I notice there are flowers in the dining room. So Fat Barbie being nosey as all get out goes and looks at the card. The bouquet is from a fraternity to the entire sorority. It is red roses with gold glitter sprayed on. Nice try gentlemen. It was sweet but kinda tacky all at the same time. So me having absolutely no filter what so ever proceed to say exactly what I thought out loud and that is when a girl pipes up "Fat Barbie don't hate on Valentine's day just because you're single" Um excuse me I get it you have a boyfriend and you do not belong in the couple category I like. You are the one who always must be in contact with your boyfriend and is all in your face about your relationship and its ups and downs. You have broke up and gotten back with the same guy about 10 times in the 3 years. Do you not remember last Valentine's day when he broke up with you over Christmas break to date/ bone a member of Lambda Lambda Lambda? I certainly remember you hollaring through the entire sorority house and all over facebook and twitter that love way a fallacy( I was actually impressed you knew this word) and how Valentine's day was a joke and how anyone who liked the holiday was delusional and had no idea what they were missing? Oh yeah caught in your own little hypocrisy. So when you have your boyfriend you are totally in love with Valentine's day but if you are single you hate it with a fervor. Listen I get it and I am sure if I ever had a Fat Ken to spend Valentine's day with I would be coocoo for coco puffs over Valentine's day but however I am not so I won't trash your favorite holiday but you keep your hypocrisy to yourself. Please and thank you... Well I am getting back to my boyfriends so kittens if you have a special someone go out have a great time and enjoy your Valentine's Day!!! If you are single get yourself a good movie (preferably with really hot men like the Avengers) a bottle of wine and get over the fact you are alone! Also stay off facebook, twitter and instagram if you are bitter (or give all that up for lent and you don't have to see any of it!) Bye guys!  

It's that time of year again....Lent

So I am a non-practicing Catholic which basically means I believe but I am not usually found a in a church. However there is one thing I always participate in and that is Lent. Lent for those who don't know is the 40 days between Mardi Gras and Easter. It is a time of reflection and a time to either give up something you love or take something on that will help you become a better person. So after careful thoughts and wondering I have decided to give up social media like Facebook, twitter and instagram. Now no one ever really reads this but I figure I needed to bear my soul and if someone reads it I am fine with that. So social media has been a major bad habit of mine. I am to use a cliche word addicted to getting the constant updates and the ability to get whatever is in my brain out. Well it turns out that is not such a good thing for me. There are times where I will tweet or post something that the minute I say it, all I can think is well that was dumb and I think the biggest incident of that happened yesterday. I replied to a friend's tweet with something that I thought was funny but the minute I posted it I regretted it. And it didn't even take my friend's disgusted response for me to realize not only had I lost her respect  but I lost respect for myself. I realized that it can be considered a bad thing to constantly be attached to a phone and to the world. I realized ( I mean I had known for a while but let's go with it) that the world does  not need to know where I am and what I am doing at all times nor does my rambling filterless thoughts need to be broadcasted to the world. So I will continue to blog on here whenever I want but I will be giving up all social media so if we are friends and you know we actually talk just know we won't be able to talk on social media but then again I am pretty sure no one reads this so it is ok see ya later kittens 

Skinny Bitch Saves the Day

So as I just posted I am having to have my gallbladder( Affectionately known as Tina the bad bitch) removed. Well it is being done laproscopically ( however the hell you spell it)  which is a good thing it means instead of one really large scar I will have four smallish scars. Now I promised myself I wasn't going to look up what the scars would look like or anything like that but the curiosity for sure killed the cat. So I looked them up and was horrified at the flipping scars like they were awful. So I am freaking out legit freaking out. So I text Skinny Bitch this big long text message that is literally me complaining that these scars will make me even more hesitant to hook up with a guy because guys have big physical scars. They are all over emotional scars but physical scars they're like umm hell no I am out. So Skinny Bitch send me the most comforting text message back and basically she said Fat Barbie if a man is worthy enough to see you in all your Fat Barbie glory he won't be bugged by the scars so don't be dumb. I cried because it was so sweet. It is definitely times like these that I realize I have the world's greatest big sister and would never trade her for anything not even Nicholas Hoult naked would convince me to trade ( well that may but since that is definitely a ling shot I am 100% comfortable saying this) her in for anything else. Love ya Skinny Bitch

Fat Barbie is going under the KNIFE

So many of you readers may be wondering what this title means, well I am about to tell you. I know I can feel y'all just absolutely quivering with excitement. So 2 Saturdays ago, I had excruciating stomach pains like punch a baby in the face to make yourself feel better pains. So I of course call my dad because you know we live hundreds of miles away so he can definitely help me out right? So I am in so much pain I head to the regional hospital. So I get there and I am literally WRITHING in PAIN on the floor of the hospital. I can't sit it hurt, I can stand it hurts, I can't lay down it hurts. Did I mention I was puking as well? Oh well I was in copious amounts of Fat Barbie puke. So what does the regional hospital do? Tell me it is just gas and they won't even admit me. Their advice was to go pick up some gas-x and go to bed. So I pick up some gas-x and some z-quil ( that is my shiznit) and I eventually fall asleep. So the pain kinda goes away but I feel like a constant sort of pressure and I am popping cherry vanilla gas-x likes it is CANDY. Well then the next Friday I am feeling not only punch a baby in the face pain but run over a basket of kittens pain. So instead of going to the regional hospital( I highly doubt they can spell at that hospital) I take my chunky butt up to the large catholic hospital the next town over. So on my drive up there I begin to puke. Now luckily I had a Styrofoam cup in my jeep...So I am pulled over on the side of the interstate puking in this freaking cup. Well the cup soon gets full so I have to carefully open my door throw the cup out ( I get it I'm a litter bug but at the time I didn't care) Well as I think I am done with the puke fountain I puke on the side panel of my door. Now I LOVE my jeep and I had to have been in some serious pain to puke on the door. Now the puking has only made the stomach pain worse so i am speeding to get to the hospital. I finally get there run into the ER and as the admit guy is asking questions I puke all over the admit desk. So they are like hey lets get you back there so you wont puke on me again. So they haul my sorry butt into the back and get me all tressed up in a gown. I looked stunning. So they give me something for the pain( morphine it is WONDERFUL) and some anti-nausea medicine. Well the pain killer isn't really doing anything but making me sleepy so they try to give me the drink that is supposed to numb my insides. Well Fat Barbie's insides were like umm hell no so I projectile vomit this concoction all over my poor nurse Yolanda . Poor Yolanda I felt so bad... Did I mention I had an iv and they thought from the vomiting I had pulled it out? I hadn't pulled it out it just came loose so they then stick some other drug in my iv an it is heavenly. Well I wake up and they are wheeling me to x-ray and the guy is really nice especially since I passed out because of the morphine and he had to catch my fat ass from falling on the floor. So the x-rays come back abnormal and off to the ct scan I go. Well I am going in and out of conciseness while in the ct scan. Also I was apparently turning blue because the really nice ct lady gave me this super warm blanket and sheet it was wonderful. So I fall asleep and they wake it up a few minutes hours centuries who the heck knows later and they tell me that something was abnormal with my gallbladder. Excuse me?? I am 22 almost 23 what the hell . So they give me all this medicine and tell me to schedule and ultrasound appointment. Then I make my dear friend Snow Ratchet (you'll read all about her soon!) come get me from the hospital that is 35 minutes away (What can I say Snow Ratchet is literally the greatest person ever) Somehow through all of this I named my gallbladder Tina ( don't ask I name everything) So I get that scheduled and I go to the appointment and it is going ok. Clearly the girl doing it is nervous ( come to find out she was a student) She is literally digging into Tina and I am just trying not to cry like a little girl. Well she says she needs to show these photos to her mentor. Well the mentor then comes in all serious. Now I am terrified. She is quickly explaining to me that when you have an ultrasound done the inside of your organs are suppose to be black to show there is fluid in there and that it is empty. Well mine is almost entirely white. I had huge stones and the wall was inflamed and there was fluid in the wall and basically Tina is dying on me. So they call the surgeon on call and he suggests that I be taken immediately to the surgical center. Well cue the Fat Barbie FREAKOUT.!!!! So I go and i am freaking out and my surgeon just looks at me and is like yup Tina has to come out so lets get you scheduled for that business. Well what is the day she gave me? The day before my birthday. FAT BARBIE ANGRY... All I wanted was to have a fun 90's themed birthday party but no Tina had to go and ruin that RUINED MY BIRTHDAY PARTY. So basically the day before I urn 23 I will be having Tina the bad bitch gallbladder taken out. Wish me luck kittens because I am really nervous! I am sure I'll demand to write a post post surgery!

It Has Been Eons Since I Have Blogged

So it has been so long since I have blogged and I have no excuse except for that fact that grad school is so much harder than what I thought it would be. I have never been so tired in my life nor as busy. I barely have time to get Fat Barbie glamorous. It has been ridiculous....super duper ridiculous. So I am pretty sure no one actually reads this but I am going to try to write as often as I can. That being said I cannot promise anything...I bet no one is actually reading but I want to make myself feel better haha! So let's catch up! There is absolutely nothing going on in my love life...I am happily(well maybe not happily but I guess as ok as I'll ever be with it) single. Graduate school is kicking my butt to be sure and SkinnyBitch is still as skinny as ever. I mean come on SkinnyBitch quit making me look bad Jesus eat a piece of cake once in a while goodness. However kittens I do have a funny story for you! (Mom or someone who knows my mom, if you are reading this stop reading please I am begging you) So now that I've gotten that PSA out of the way I'll give you the deets...If you don't like awkward stories then you should probably stop reading here too because as with pretty much everything in my life this story is pretty awkward...So this guy and I have known each other since we were freshmen. I thought he was a colossal dilhole and he thought I was a raging bitch (both are true to some extent). So we run into each other casually over the years one of my friends like one of his friends, one of his friends tried to date one of my best friends ( somehow it never worked out) so we would politely( yeah right) deal with each other. Here is where things start getting awkward. He would awkwardly facebook chat me shit at like 3:30 in the morning but would engage in the ignoring the next time we were forced to share each other's company...Clearly this story is off to a FANTASTIC start...Now i know all of yall are like good God fat barbie pull yourself together. So one night this past august we get thrown together in the fact that my friends and I lost our ride home, hey it happens, and so my friend decides to call this guy lets call him Bumper. Bumper comes and hangs out at the bar with us and then is like yeah I'll take yall home. I'll skip all the boring/ tmi details and get to the funny part. Let me preface this statement by saying I now understand why Bumper is such a dick. He shoved 3/4 of it into his personality and left the 1/4 to just chill. So it was awkward and horrible and I think the best quote from the entire night was "Well this isn't going on either of our highlight reels" or "You can't tell ANYONE about this you know way too many of my frat brothers( I stopped hanging out with his frat after my sophomore year, they were lame) and I know way too many of your sorority sisters(congrats there is over 220 of us at any given time)and maybe we can do it again" or "You're not pretty enough to be seen in the light of day". Now I must mention all the awesome one-liners are from Bumper. My responses are not very lady like and thus won't be recorded for posterity.  I should mention that this was definitely the most awkward experience I have ever had with a man/man-child/guyer as embarrassed and that I actually felt really stupid. (This girl by the way is one of my best friends and the one who called Bumper in the first place) She left for work and one of our other best friends came over to grab her stuff because she got ready at my house the night before. Now when she got there she could tell that something had happened because I just could not even look her in the eyes. After the entire story unfolded the first words out of her mouth were "Well one of the three of us were bound to sleep with him...might as well be you" and with that we promptly burst out into laughter. This is why we are friend because of quotes like this. Now Bumper and I have run into each exactly twice since and each time is more awkward than the last. We both attempt to ignore each other but once we had to have forced awkward conversation because I literally ran into him and at first was like oh I am so sorry I was not paying attention then I looked up and was like well no I am not sorry you're an ass. The worst part is because of this entire situation with Bumper I never can look at myself again nor can I ever imagine that a guy is actually interested in me because as Bumper said to my FACE "You're not pretty enough to be seen in the light of day" However my friends have slowly but surely been building my self-esteem back up and it is wonderful. Gotta love friends who are willing to build you up after a dilhole knocks you down.

A Very Happy Birthday

Today is SkinnyBitch's birthday and I for one think it should be a national holiday. Now SkinnyBitch and I have had our differences (see Fat Barbie Goes to Italy and many others). However she is my oldest friend ( even if she won't admit it ) and will always be there for me no matter what stupid plan I cook up. She has always been the more mature of the two of us as exhibited by the fact she would threaten a young me with corporal punishment if I wouldn't tell her what her birthday cake looked like...( I am not even kidding she was and sometimes still is a Mini Mussolini but she is my Mini Mussolini). She does have some redeeming qualities and by some I mean many. She is one of my biggest role models and she encourages me to be the best Fat Barbie I can be. She never lets me dog myself. She always says I'm a dime piece and that little bit of encouragement makes me feel invisible.  She is the greatest big sister a fat barbie could ask for. She listens to my horrible life stories and no matter what I always feel better after talking to her. So now that I have made this a horribly mushy piece I am going to give y'all what y'all came here for stories about Fat Barbie and SkinnyBitch!! Where should I begin oh let's begin with one of my absolutely favorite SkinnyBitch stories. Last year was my senior year of college and SkinnyBitch came in for a football game weekend. So we being Fat Barbie and SkinnyBitch went out to the bars with one of my guy friends( we will call him Leadsmeonalot) SkinnyBitch, Leadsmeonalot and I are finishing up our evening ( I don't even remember what we did oops) and Leadsmeonalot finds this girl and SkinnyBitch is NOT having it she just rails on this girl to me as we are creepily walking behind Leadsmeonalot and his random blonde friend. So Leadsmeonalot is taking us and this girl ( who has the same name a stripper would) to our respective places of resiendence and SkinnyBitch is in the back seat just giving it to Stripper Name. Needless to say it made my night. This is not the only time SkinnhyBitch has come to Fat Barbie's defense with Leadsmeonalot. During graduation weekend SkinnyBitch told Leadsmeonalot that the girl he was talking to was bug eyed (to be fair the girl was bug eyed). Needless to say you don't mess with SkinnyBitch when it comes to Fat Barbie because no matter how angry she is at me you mess with me you mess with her and she's scary. SkinnyBitch is not someone whose bad side you want to be on. Even though she is older SkinnyBitch will always be my role model, closest friend and little nugget, so happy birthday SkinnyBitch hope it was grand!!