Fat Barbie is going under the KNIFE

So many of you readers may be wondering what this title means, well I am about to tell you. I know I can feel y'all just absolutely quivering with excitement. So 2 Saturdays ago, I had excruciating stomach pains like punch a baby in the face to make yourself feel better pains. So I of course call my dad because you know we live hundreds of miles away so he can definitely help me out right? So I am in so much pain I head to the regional hospital. So I get there and I am literally WRITHING in PAIN on the floor of the hospital. I can't sit it hurt, I can stand it hurts, I can't lay down it hurts. Did I mention I was puking as well? Oh well I was in copious amounts of Fat Barbie puke. So what does the regional hospital do? Tell me it is just gas and they won't even admit me. Their advice was to go pick up some gas-x and go to bed. So I pick up some gas-x and some z-quil ( that is my shiznit) and I eventually fall asleep. So the pain kinda goes away but I feel like a constant sort of pressure and I am popping cherry vanilla gas-x likes it is CANDY. Well then the next Friday I am feeling not only punch a baby in the face pain but run over a basket of kittens pain. So instead of going to the regional hospital( I highly doubt they can spell at that hospital) I take my chunky butt up to the large catholic hospital the next town over. So on my drive up there I begin to puke. Now luckily I had a Styrofoam cup in my jeep...So I am pulled over on the side of the interstate puking in this freaking cup. Well the cup soon gets full so I have to carefully open my door throw the cup out ( I get it I'm a litter bug but at the time I didn't care) Well as I think I am done with the puke fountain I puke on the side panel of my door. Now I LOVE my jeep and I had to have been in some serious pain to puke on the door. Now the puking has only made the stomach pain worse so i am speeding to get to the hospital. I finally get there run into the ER and as the admit guy is asking questions I puke all over the admit desk. So they are like hey lets get you back there so you wont puke on me again. So they haul my sorry butt into the back and get me all tressed up in a gown. I looked stunning. So they give me something for the pain( morphine it is WONDERFUL) and some anti-nausea medicine. Well the pain killer isn't really doing anything but making me sleepy so they try to give me the drink that is supposed to numb my insides. Well Fat Barbie's insides were like umm hell no so I projectile vomit this concoction all over my poor nurse Yolanda . Poor Yolanda I felt so bad... Did I mention I had an iv and they thought from the vomiting I had pulled it out? I hadn't pulled it out it just came loose so they then stick some other drug in my iv an it is heavenly. Well I wake up and they are wheeling me to x-ray and the guy is really nice especially since I passed out because of the morphine and he had to catch my fat ass from falling on the floor. So the x-rays come back abnormal and off to the ct scan I go. Well I am going in and out of conciseness while in the ct scan. Also I was apparently turning blue because the really nice ct lady gave me this super warm blanket and sheet it was wonderful. So I fall asleep and they wake it up a few minutes hours centuries who the heck knows later and they tell me that something was abnormal with my gallbladder. Excuse me?? I am 22 almost 23 what the hell . So they give me all this medicine and tell me to schedule and ultrasound appointment. Then I make my dear friend Snow Ratchet (you'll read all about her soon!) come get me from the hospital that is 35 minutes away (What can I say Snow Ratchet is literally the greatest person ever) Somehow through all of this I named my gallbladder Tina ( don't ask I name everything) So I get that scheduled and I go to the appointment and it is going ok. Clearly the girl doing it is nervous ( come to find out she was a student) She is literally digging into Tina and I am just trying not to cry like a little girl. Well she says she needs to show these photos to her mentor. Well the mentor then comes in all serious. Now I am terrified. She is quickly explaining to me that when you have an ultrasound done the inside of your organs are suppose to be black to show there is fluid in there and that it is empty. Well mine is almost entirely white. I had huge stones and the wall was inflamed and there was fluid in the wall and basically Tina is dying on me. So they call the surgeon on call and he suggests that I be taken immediately to the surgical center. Well cue the Fat Barbie FREAKOUT.!!!! So I go and i am freaking out and my surgeon just looks at me and is like yup Tina has to come out so lets get you scheduled for that business. Well what is the day she gave me? The day before my birthday. FAT BARBIE ANGRY... All I wanted was to have a fun 90's themed birthday party but no Tina had to go and ruin that RUINED MY BIRTHDAY PARTY. So basically the day before I urn 23 I will be having Tina the bad bitch gallbladder taken out. Wish me luck kittens because I am really nervous! I am sure I'll demand to write a post post surgery!

It Has Been Eons Since I Have Blogged

So it has been so long since I have blogged and I have no excuse except for that fact that grad school is so much harder than what I thought it would be. I have never been so tired in my life nor as busy. I barely have time to get Fat Barbie glamorous. It has been ridiculous....super duper ridiculous. So I am pretty sure no one actually reads this but I am going to try to write as often as I can. That being said I cannot promise anything...I bet no one is actually reading but I want to make myself feel better haha! So let's catch up! There is absolutely nothing going on in my love life...I am happily(well maybe not happily but I guess as ok as I'll ever be with it) single. Graduate school is kicking my butt to be sure and SkinnyBitch is still as skinny as ever. I mean come on SkinnyBitch quit making me look bad Jesus eat a piece of cake once in a while goodness. However kittens I do have a funny story for you! (Mom or someone who knows my mom, if you are reading this stop reading please I am begging you) So now that I've gotten that PSA out of the way I'll give you the deets...If you don't like awkward stories then you should probably stop reading here too because as with pretty much everything in my life this story is pretty awkward...So this guy and I have known each other since we were freshmen. I thought he was a colossal dilhole and he thought I was a raging bitch (both are true to some extent). So we run into each other casually over the years one of my friends like one of his friends, one of his friends tried to date one of my best friends ( somehow it never worked out) so we would politely( yeah right) deal with each other. Here is where things start getting awkward. He would awkwardly facebook chat me shit at like 3:30 in the morning but would engage in the ignoring the next time we were forced to share each other's company...Clearly this story is off to a FANTASTIC start...Now i know all of yall are like good God fat barbie pull yourself together. So one night this past august we get thrown together in the fact that my friends and I lost our ride home, hey it happens, and so my friend decides to call this guy lets call him Bumper. Bumper comes and hangs out at the bar with us and then is like yeah I'll take yall home. I'll skip all the boring/ tmi details and get to the funny part. Let me preface this statement by saying I now understand why Bumper is such a dick. He shoved 3/4 of it into his personality and left the 1/4 to just chill. So it was awkward and horrible and I think the best quote from the entire night was "Well this isn't going on either of our highlight reels" or "You can't tell ANYONE about this you know way too many of my frat brothers( I stopped hanging out with his frat after my sophomore year, they were lame) and I know way too many of your sorority sisters(congrats there is over 220 of us at any given time)and maybe we can do it again" or "You're not pretty enough to be seen in the light of day". Now I must mention all the awesome one-liners are from Bumper. My responses are not very lady like and thus won't be recorded for posterity.  I should mention that this was definitely the most awkward experience I have ever had with a man/man-child/guyer as embarrassed and that I actually felt really stupid. (This girl by the way is one of my best friends and the one who called Bumper in the first place) She left for work and one of our other best friends came over to grab her stuff because she got ready at my house the night before. Now when she got there she could tell that something had happened because I just could not even look her in the eyes. After the entire story unfolded the first words out of her mouth were "Well one of the three of us were bound to sleep with him...might as well be you" and with that we promptly burst out into laughter. This is why we are friend because of quotes like this. Now Bumper and I have run into each exactly twice since and each time is more awkward than the last. We both attempt to ignore each other but once we had to have forced awkward conversation because I literally ran into him and at first was like oh I am so sorry I was not paying attention then I looked up and was like well no I am not sorry you're an ass. The worst part is because of this entire situation with Bumper I never can look at myself again nor can I ever imagine that a guy is actually interested in me because as Bumper said to my FACE "You're not pretty enough to be seen in the light of day" However my friends have slowly but surely been building my self-esteem back up and it is wonderful. Gotta love friends who are willing to build you up after a dilhole knocks you down.

A Very Happy Birthday

Today is SkinnyBitch's birthday and I for one think it should be a national holiday. Now SkinnyBitch and I have had our differences (see Fat Barbie Goes to Italy and many others). However she is my oldest friend ( even if she won't admit it ) and will always be there for me no matter what stupid plan I cook up. She has always been the more mature of the two of us as exhibited by the fact she would threaten a young me with corporal punishment if I wouldn't tell her what her birthday cake looked like...( I am not even kidding she was and sometimes still is a Mini Mussolini but she is my Mini Mussolini). She does have some redeeming qualities and by some I mean many. She is one of my biggest role models and she encourages me to be the best Fat Barbie I can be. She never lets me dog myself. She always says I'm a dime piece and that little bit of encouragement makes me feel invisible.  She is the greatest big sister a fat barbie could ask for. She listens to my horrible life stories and no matter what I always feel better after talking to her. So now that I have made this a horribly mushy piece I am going to give y'all what y'all came here for stories about Fat Barbie and SkinnyBitch!! Where should I begin oh let's begin with one of my absolutely favorite SkinnyBitch stories. Last year was my senior year of college and SkinnyBitch came in for a football game weekend. So we being Fat Barbie and SkinnyBitch went out to the bars with one of my guy friends( we will call him Leadsmeonalot) SkinnyBitch, Leadsmeonalot and I are finishing up our evening ( I don't even remember what we did oops) and Leadsmeonalot finds this girl and SkinnyBitch is NOT having it she just rails on this girl to me as we are creepily walking behind Leadsmeonalot and his random blonde friend. So Leadsmeonalot is taking us and this girl ( who has the same name a stripper would) to our respective places of resiendence and SkinnyBitch is in the back seat just giving it to Stripper Name. Needless to say it made my night. This is not the only time SkinnhyBitch has come to Fat Barbie's defense with Leadsmeonalot. During graduation weekend SkinnyBitch told Leadsmeonalot that the girl he was talking to was bug eyed (to be fair the girl was bug eyed). Needless to say you don't mess with SkinnyBitch when it comes to Fat Barbie because no matter how angry she is at me you mess with me you mess with her and she's scary. SkinnyBitch is not someone whose bad side you want to be on. Even though she is older SkinnyBitch will always be my role model, closest friend and little nugget, so happy birthday SkinnyBitch hope it was grand!!

I'm baaaaccckkkk

Hello lovelies,
I know it has been quite a while since I have last posted. Grad school kept me way way way busier than I thought it would. All I know is that today was my last day of summer grad school and it feels GLORIOUS! I am have never been so excited to be done. I have one last paper to write and then Monday I get to meet my mentor teacher. I can't wait to see where this adventure takes me! However y'all don't come to this blog to listen to me blather about grad school. I do have quite a funny (iny opinion) story. So I have been working out and it is safe to say I love it. It feels absolutely amazing to be active and I feel great! Now you maybe asking yourself " alright fat Barbie when does the funny come into play? You're sounding super self righteous right meow." Hence this is the funny part. So SkinnhyBitch has long since been doing these excersises but I recently started ( she probably does it better but hey I am willing to take second place in this) My trainer made me do these things called box jumps. It is exactly what it sounds like. There's a box that is a certain height ( I think mine was 2-3 feet) and the person doing box jumps has to jump on top of the box. Simple right.? WRONG...physically it is sooooo simple but mentally it takes a lot of something. It is all about believing that you tank you can jump on top of this freaking box. So I have to do 10 of these jumps and I get to jump 6 and then I have a complete mental flip. I catch my leg on the box and all I can think is I am about to smash my face against this freaking box and that's going to hurt so badly. But out of nowhere I develop these Catwoman like skills and I catch myself before I can fall and bust my face!!!! Score 1 for Fat Barbie!! My trainer was super impressed. She couldn't believe how gracefully I caught myself. Needless to say I was as proud as a peacock! Then the trainer decides I needed to do more work. So she has me doing burpees. Burpees are the tool of the devil much like pencils. To do burpees you have to drop down into a push up and then jump up. Then you repeat doesn't sound hard does it? Lies it was awful but as I finished doing burpees I felt so good! It was amazing... Being so excited I texted SkinnyBitch and told her all about my new found Catwoman abilities. SkinnyBitch gave the appropriate responses and helped build my Fat Barbie Catwoman ego. That amazing feeling definitely carried over into the week! I will hopefully have another funny story after my workout today! I will keep all y'all posted! 

Fat Barbie is MIA

I am so sorry that I haven't written in a while ( although some of you maybe glad about that fact) but I am currently just all over the place because of grad school. I won't go into too much detail because I am still currently under stress to complete this course but once I am done I promise I will be back in action! 

Cheers to the Weekend

So at College Town USA, there is this new bar that has life size Jenga. It was amazing! However I will get to that part a little bit later. So two of my favorite people came into town this weekend and my friends and I all decided to go out on the town. Being girls we all got ready together and spied on my one friend's hot neighbors ( granted these boys are 18 and 19 and Fat Barbie doesn't play well with younger boys) We finish getting ready and we head out to dinner and the bars. After learning what a ride or die chick is and many other fun tidbits,we all started to lag at around 12:30am when one of my friends suggested we go to the new bar that had a bunch of arcade games and board games. We get there and in the corner there is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen LIFE SIZE JENGA!!!!!! What could be better than life size Jenga? If you said absolutely nothing( or Alex Pettyfer wearing nothing but a bow) you would be correct! Unfortunately for me tacky people were hogging the Jenga table. But really why would someone keep me from my beloved life size Jenga. Seeing my distress my friends bring me to the bar part. While getting my beverage the song bittersweet symphony come on. The bar tender made a funny comment about this song which I of of course added my own two cents too. Another bar patron chimes in with his opinion. So this segways into flirting ( I mean we are at a bar and life size Jenga is in use what else am I suppose to o) now I always flirt it is just what happens you can ask my sister I am just a flirt. So between talking to my friends and flirting with Bar Patron I begin to have a great time. Unfortunately the lights turn on and last call is called. My friends and I regroup to decide how to proceed for the rest of the night. Then Bar Patron walks up to me and runs my back. Umm excuse me?!?! I hate hate HATE being touched. I hate it. Even when it is a friend if I am not prepared for the touch I will FREAK out! So I flipped out naturally and he has the audacity to say "As a massage therapist, I am offended" excuse me?! Do you even know my name? I couldn't believe my ears so as politely as I could reject him I said "1. You don't even know my name 2. If that's your best pick up line it needs some serious work" so as I leave I thought to myself I may be desperate but I will never be that desperate. That is the recap of Fat Barbie's weekend! Have a great day y'all!

The Misadventures of Fat Barbie

So as you know I have been going to work with Personal Trainer. From my last post y'all know that the workout kicked my butt. I am glad to say that I am not on death's door anymore. I am not saying that the workouts have gotten easier. They haven't I am just adjusting better to the workouts. After working out upper body and lower body the past two times today Personal Trainer decided to put me through a full body work out. And for the most part it was wonderful! It feels great to work muscles that haven't been worked on in years. However as you can see from the title there was definitely a mishap or two(let’s be real my entire life is a mishap mostly for the good) Personal Trainer has already run me through the ringer. It was almost time for Fat Barbie to be back in my little cottage with the air conditioning turned on full blast. I swear I have never sweated so much as I have during these workouts. I can literally taste sweet freedom. When Personal Trainer says "Hold on Fat Barbie you've got one more thing to do" And can I say that with that my heart fell just a little bit. However I am doing this to better myself and I knew that I could do it. If I climbed the steps of the Duomo and didn't die (once again thanks for that SkinnyBitch, I think i just regained my breath) So I am wondering what little work out trick PT has drummed up for me. So with visions of kettle bells, rowing machines and bench presses floating though my brain I get ready for what I think is going to be so hard. Well imagine my surprise when PT brings me to a bench and says all I will be doing is a basic crunch extension on the bench. I couldn't help but be excited because these are so easy. So I have to do three sets of fifteen, which doesn't seem like a big deal. As I am getting through the first set I feel a little wobbly. No worries though Fat Barbie pushed through. So I moved to the second set this is where things get a little hairy. I am getting that wobbly feeling again. I should have known something was up because before I could even stop myself I fall tushy overhead right off that workout bench. Mortified doesn't even begin to describe what I was feeling.  I wouldn't have felt so bad if I hadn't known someone at the gym. But I girl I had some classes with had just signed into the gym and had seen Fat Barbie's ass in all its glory straight up in the air. I have no idea how I managed that feat of sheer awesome but somehow it happened. Now I want all of you readers out there to get a good laugh out of my pain. Just imagine Fat Barbie flipping right over off a workout bench. It is pretty funny looking back on it but my pride is still a little wounded especially because before I flipped over the bench I had been working on a machine that does squats and as I am squatting this weight my right knee gives out and over I go. I fell TWICE in one workout. That's when I knew the gods were against me and that I should basically give up. But never fear if I gave up on things that embarrassed me I probably wouldn't have survived college because man did I do some pretty embarrassing things. But those are stories for another day. Well I hope I made your day and if you need a laugh just imagine me falling right off a workout bench in front of God and everyone.